Actual call centre conversations

Here are some signs and notices written in English -- more or less -- that purport to have been discovered throughout the world.

In a Tokyo HotelIs forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis
In a Bucharest hotel lobbyThe lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable
In a Leipzig elevatorDo not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up
In a Belgrade hotel elevatorTo move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevatorPlease leave your values at the front desk
In a hotel in AthensVisitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily
In a Yugoslavian hotelThe flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid
In a Japanese hotelYou are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monasteryYou are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiersNot to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension
On the menu of a Swiss restaurantOur wines leave you nothing to hope for
On the menu of a Polish hotelSalad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shopLadies may have a fit upstairs
In a Bangkok dry cleanersDrop your trousers here for best results
Outside a Paris dress shopDresses for street walking
n a Rhodes tailor shopOrder your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation
From the Soviet WeeklyThere will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years
A sign posted in Germany's Black ForestIt is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose
In a Zurich hotelBecause of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentistTeeth extracted by the latest Methodists
In a Rome laundryLadies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agencyTake one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages
In a Swiss mountain innSpecial today -- no ice cream
In a Bangkok templeIt is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man
In a Tokyo barSpecial cocktails for the ladies with nuts
In a Copenhagen airline ticket officeWe take your bags and send them in all directions
On the door of a Moscow hotel roomIf this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it
In a Norwegian cocktail loungeLadies are requested not to have children in the bar
In a Budapest zooPlease do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty
In the office of a Roman doctorSpecialist in women and other diseases
In an Acapulco hotelThe manager has personally passed all the water served here
In a Tokyo shopOur nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditionerCooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself
From a brochure of a Tokyo car rental firmWhen passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour